I, like so many other Christian #nevertrump-ers, am switching my oath to not support Trump quicker than Ted Cruz changed his promise to support Trump. Just as Cruz couldn’t have foreseen Trump accusing his father of assassinating JFK, I couldn’t have foreseen the turn of events of the last three months. Who would have known that FOX NEWS, the only unbiased source of news, would support Trump as soon as he became the clear winner of the Republican nomination? There can be NO other explanation (don’t even try) than, we all judged him too soon, based on public behavior over the last thirty years. Without further ado, here are ten reasons that I will #neversaynevertrump :
1. We Need Fresh Blood
We need fresh blood in the Republican Party. Trump’s blood is so fresh that a vile of it is known to be the antidote to Vampirism. Trump’s blood is so fresh that we have seen him continually learn what it means to be a conservative during this primary season. At first, all he knew was that the President’s birth certificate was fake and that we need a wall, but he is a quick study. Whenever he has learned an essential element to getting Republican votes, he has seen the error of his ways.
2. Trump is a Good Man
Scratch that, he’s the best man who ever lived. We know that He would not have slipped up and got caught in Vietnam like John McCain, that’s for losers. He is so great, that he can say horrible things about people, but they still confess that he is a good man. I thought Ben Carson was a good man, but Trump thinks Carson is like a pedophile (and Trump knows a lot about insest) or at least a liar, and Ben still supports him.
(If you have not yet realized this is satire, please return to the top and start over.)
3. Trump is a Christian
Donald Trump is the only Christian I have ever known that has never had to ask God for forgiveness. You may doubt his orthodoxy, but there is no other explanation for why he is always pandering for the votes of Christians. Trump says he is a Christian, and a Christian would never ask Christians to vote for him just because he wants their votes.
4. Don’t Forget the Game Plan
Donald Trump is a Republican. Christians must vote Republican. That’s the game plan, according to the pamphlet How to Disciple the Nations published by the Republican National Committee. We know that the only way to end abortion is to vote Republican in every national race. Look how much we have gotten by never deviating from this game plan. Our nation has been brought so far in the direction of righteousness in the last thirty years. The game plan works! (That is, if you don’t count abortion and gay marriage.)
Face it, abortion will only be ended by the federal government. When the Supreme Court tells governors not to keep babies from being murdered, God surely wants governor’s to obey them. Every governor has to allow babies to be murdered until enough Supreme Court justices drop dead. If we keep to the game plan for another century, maybe abortion will end! It’s not like a state can disobey Congress! That’s just crazy!
5. A Democrat President Will Destroy the Nation Within Four Years
I know, some of you are getting tired of that doom and gloom. Sure, it didn’t happen in 92, or 96, or 2008, or 2012. But we will certainly see the absolute destruction of our nation, nay, the world, if one more Democrat becomes President. We cannot think longer term than four years. Doom is nigh. The Republican party must know they can count on our vote as long as they are slightly to the right of the Democrats. We don’t want them to actually have to earn our votes and put forth righteous policy, that would be arrogant of us. Did I mention doom is nigh?
Remember, this is a two party system (it’s somewhere in the Constitution, right?). And those two parties have never changed (right?). Maybe if there was a viable third party we would vote for them, but nobody is going to vote for those losers when both the nominees for the major parties are so competent. Sure, if we lost this election by throwing support behind, for instance, the Constitution Party, we might kick the Republican Party out of the picture in four years, but by then Hillary Clinton will have completely destroyed our nation.
6. Trump Has the Only Thing you Need for Diplomacy
How should our nation deal with other sovereign nations? The answer is obvious: hostility, strength, and speaking off the cuff. Why has The President and the Secretary of State done so terribly? It’s not because of their politically correct, Christ-defying ideology of world unity mixed with a self-serving desire to meddle in smaller nations. They have done a bad job, for not being strong and hostile and for thinking too much before they tell other nations where they can go! We need a President who has a politically incorrect, Christ-defying ideology of world unity and a self-serving desire to meddle in smaller nations.
7. Trump will keep his promises
We know Donald Trump will keep his promises. If you’re unsure, ask FOX NEWS. Don’t ask his first two wives, because keeping promises to the one person to whom you should be most faithful has no correlation to political promises. Don’t ask any of his creditors, because four bankruptcies have no correlation to what he will say to get votes either.
8. We need a President Who Will Calm Racial Tension
There has been a lot of racial tension in this nation. Why? Not because we need justice system reforms or because our country needs Jesus. There are racial tensions because Barrack Obama too quickly sides with minorities during police violence. We need a president who too quickly sides with police during police violence. That will end racial animosity.
9. He will put America First
America is Trump’s first priority, right after his own fame and power. That is so different from Secretary Clinton. She only cares about her own fame and power.
10. An Unpredictable Evil is Always Better than a Predictable One
I would much prefer to pet the dog that might rip the flesh from my bones than the one that will certainly pee on my leg. Trump might evolve back into a New York liberal or a reality television character in the White House, but maybe He will accidentally be the greatest president in history. On the other hand, can we really afford a third Clinton Presidency? Remember, doom is nigh!